What started as a day of feeling a little down on myself compounded over these last few months into a total backslide. Ugh. I feel like crap. I have 86 million reasons (excuses) why I let so many things slide...but none of them are good. None of them are enough to convince anyone that this was worth it. I can point fingers and blame others, blame circumstances, blame feelings, blame timing. The reality is that I allowed that one little negative thought sneak into my head and take up space....then it festered and multiplied. Boo.
So, I was just quiet. I didn't blog about it.
I could go into the details, but really....no one wants to hear about my problems! This is supposed to be a place to encourage.
Fast forward to the new year. Here we are - 2014. A clean slate. A fresh start. As we are saying hello to Twenty Fourteen, a dear family from my church were saying their "see you laters" to their beloved daughter after a twelve year battle with brain cancer. I cannot even begin to paint a picture of the strength, grace, and love that this family portrays. They have truly had a positive and lasting impact on my life and the lives of many others. On January 2, Jessica met Jesus.
Yesterday, I had the privilege and honor of being present for the most beautiful Celebration of Life. Jessica was handed over to her bridegroom as hundreds of friends and family lit candles and praised our Almighty. A joyous celebration indeed, yet I can only imagine the party in Heaven.
After the service, each person in attendance was given a small bag. Amongst the trinkets was a stone with an engraved word. Jessica's mom had told us that this word is something that we should strive for in order to help shine Jessica's light.
My stone says "Believe". Immediately I knew that it was no accident that I got this word.
I need to believe in myself. I need to do so humbly. I need to also believe that I am never alone in any of my struggles. As Jessica always said "God's got this".
So many times I have given up when things got tough. I have slipped. I have fallen. Sometimes I lay in the dirt and kick my feet and let the negativity flow through me like a disease. I need to believe that I can accomplish the things that I dream of. I need to believe that when things get hard, I need to rely on Him to help me up and set me straight. I need to believe in myself, but not just in myself.
I saw the word on my stone yesterday....but today when I took it out of it's plastic wrapping I noticed something else. If you look closely you can see that there is a crack and a big hunk out of my stone. It is imperfect. Just like me. Just like all of us.
Accomplishments aren't for the perfect people in the world (here's a hint: there aren't any). They are for the people who never give up. Nothing great was ever accomplished without some hardship. I think too often we are quick to share the good in our lives but don't want to ruin our facade by sharing our mistakes or struggles. Sometimes we might think that showing weakness might damage our credibility. I think to truly encourage someone you need to be real. You need to show that you, too, struggle and have weak moments. How encouraging would it be to read only of a person's success and think that they never mess up? Not very...because the first time you have a bad day or gain a pound you will feel like you failed. I've been in that position and it's so discouraging to think that you are the only person doing it wrong....just because people are too proud to show their flaws.
So for me...I'll never be perfect. I'm like the stone...it's impossible to cover up the flaws without changing the stone. I don't want to be perfect. I want to be a light in a dark place. I want to believe that with God's help I can be and do anything I set my mind to. This most definitely will not be the last time I mess up. It probably won't be the last time I write about it either. My journey is a sum of my successes and failures. I hope that we can all be encouraged to be who we were created to be...imperfect souls created by a perfect God. That's enough for me.
So this year...2014....I dedicate to Jessica. I promise to do my best to help shine your light. In your short 19 years and 104 days you touched more lives and accomplished more than I could ever hope for. Thank you for that example.
I believe....do you?
